I've always made a crucial distinction between a Christian and a churchgoer. It is possible to be a Christian without being a churchgoer (I consider myself one of these), and certainly not all churchgoers abide in Jesus and He in them in the everyday lives to which they merrily return after Sunday services.
Since my experience of spiritual rebirth a couple of years ago, my spouse and I have tried maybe a handful of times to attend services at churches, but with no real success: we just didn't feel at home. Once, we went to church in a time of great crisis, when we weren't even sure we would make it through the next few days, and we reached out so far to the Lord that we even made it to church that week, hoping desperately to get closer to Him in every possible way. After the service (with hundreds of people in attendance), we knelt at the railing before the altar and prayed together for about an hour, in tears the whole time, and I had hoped so earnestly that some church member would notice us there and come offer to pray with us. People passed by (and perhaps even in) the sanctuary. But nobody came.
When I'm safely ensconced in a Saturday, the Creeping Sunday only looming in the distance, I always seriously consider going to a church for services. I'm acutely aware that there are some things the Lord has planned for us that can only be experienced by being part of a body of believers. I think it's very likely there are some things He wants to give to me in particular, which have to come through another person and can't be obtained through single-soul prayer. Looking at that Creeping Sunday, though, my mind remembers the futile efforts, my emotional core foresees all the awkward interactions with churchgoers whose judging eyes would pierce me, and my heart is chilled.
Sunday creeps closer, and then it comes, just another churchless day.
We live in Texas, which is the farthest west I've ever been (save for presenting at one conference in SF, during which I saw only the hotel, the convention center, and a cab the whole time). Perhaps someday we'll make it to California to seek our church home there.
karyos@rocketmail.com
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I was saddened to read of you and your spouse being at the altar for an hour weeping without anyone coming to you. How sad that is.
ReplyDeleteI attend the Salvation Army. They can have their own issues as most churches. But there it is not so much about receiving but about what we can do to serve. Should you make it to CA someday, you will find many fine churches to worship and serve in.
There is something in my spirit that sounded like missionary when I began writing this to you. I don't know if it was a word for you or me or both.
Sundays creep at a petty pace. We do not know very much of the future, except that from Sunday to Sunday, the same days happen again and again. God grant us mercy to escape the circle, to spend a single Sunday, that is always, in your Church and in your grace and in your presence. In Christ's name, I pray. Amen.
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